He has torn, that He may heal.

"My strength fails because of my iniquity and my bones waste away." Psalm 31:10b

Our sin is visceral.  It is not a stain that can be scrubbed away or dirt that can be lightly brushed from the surface.  When God removes it, he must penetrate to our very core and rip it from us.  It is painful.  It is debilitating.  Sin is in our bones and so they must be crushed to remove it.  He has torn us that he may heal us.  

The condition of our hearts is more horrific than we can imagine on our darkest day.  This truth is lacerating; the sting of thorns tearing unprotected flesh.  When we think we have overcome a particular sin it will rally with vengeance.  The moment we believe ourselves to have beaten it, is the moment when we can be most sure we have not.

But Grace is the sweet salve that soothes these wounds.  It is the conquering hope because it does not just soothe, or heal, but replaces mutilated flesh with something new.

Yet, I am a sinner, through and through.  I can labor, but it will be in vain.  I can do good, but it will never be enough.  For every sin I defeat there will be 100 more.  I can never stand before God with clean hands.  So, I will bow before Him covered in grace.  I will forever sing, "nothing in my hand I bring, simply to the cross I cling."   

So, I'll stand in faith by grace, and grace alone.  I will run the race by grace, and grace alone.  I will slay my sin by grace, and grace alone.  I will reach the end by grace, and grace alone.

One year later...

On Friday, January 21, 2011, I wrote this:

So here I go.  Day one of my 365 day adventure.  Maybe adventure is too thrilling of a word… Challenge? Yes, challenge is more like it.  Because that is really what this is, a year long challenge to myself, to commit to writing every day.  I am graduating from college in May, and since I was little I pictured my life after all the “responsibilities” of school; when I would be old enough to do what I pleased, when I pleased.  Unfortunately, responsibility only grows, education being the least of which.  Now I have bills and bosses.  The romantic ideals of travel and free time are a luxury not many people experience.  Myself included.  For most of us, it is just getting by, day to day. So I have decided that this year, I won’t put off my writing until I am sitting in a European cafe with endless time, coffee, a pastry, and a stack of novels as high as the empire state building (cliche, I know).  Instead, I am going to “bloom where I am planted”.  Which, currently, is in my bed with Glen Hansard & Markéta Irglová playing on my laptop, and a pile of independent study work next to me (that I should probably be doing instead of this).
So this is my 365 day challenge, because I can’t wait on life, I have to make the most of what it is, where I am.  I have to be all here, or I will miss it all.

Now, 365-ish days later, I am summarizing my adventure.  I can say with complete confidence that my year was not what I had expected.  I can also say with complete confidence that is was better.  I saw God's hand not only in provision but in tragedy.   I have wrestled with sins I thought would never touch me. I have tried to understand circumstances that are beyond my finite comprehension.  I have made decisions I never thought I would make, and I have chosen things I never thought I would choose.  I have lost someone I dearly loved.  I have witnessed true selflessness and true strength.  I have learned that I do not pray enough, and that I do not pray with faith.  I have learned that I do not hate my sin enough, and that grace brings not only forgiveness but holiness. I have experienced the painful tearing of sin from my flesh, and the healing power of God's Word.  I have come to love and cherish the Old Testament, not just the New.  I have learned to love my God with not only my mind, but my heart. 

I have learned, witnessed, lost, loved, torn, prayed, and changed- but more importantly I will continually be learning, witnessing, losing, loving, tearing, praying, and changing.  

If I could, I would erase everything I wrote one year ago, except for these words: I have to be all here.  The rest of it does not matter.  I do have to make the most of what my life is, and it is nothing but what God has willed.  His will is this:

 “It is too light a thing that you should be my servant to raise up the tribes of Jacob and to bring back the preserved of Israel; I will make you as a light for the nations, that my salvation may reach to the end of the earth. [...] I have dealt with all that Jesus began to do and teach, until the day when he was taken up, after he had given commands through the Holy Spirit to the apostles whom he had chosen. He presented himself alive to them after his suffering by many proofs, appearing to them during forty days and speaking about the kingdom of God.[...] 'It is not for you to know times or seasons that the Father has fixed by his own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.'"

I have meditated and prayed over these verses for months and my conclusion is this: Go.  I may have the next 60 years, or I may only have the next few months.  The only certain thing in this life is God's call for my witness and nothing short of that.  Jesus said it's done, now do. He said, I have lived, died and resurrected, now tell- I have loved, now love.


On December 22nd, I attended the funeral of Jeffery Harter, my cousin's husband, and a man I grew to love immensely.  With a heavy heart but trust in Jesus, his wife, my beloved cousin, friend, and life-long mentor said these words:

I'm ready to jump back in the water, head first, and swim like I've never swam before. - Robin Harter, Signs of Love

I don't know where yet, only time and prayer will show, but I'm ready to jump in too.

Jeff & Robin