Honesty and Brokenness: Part 2

I fully agree with Tolstoy;

"Everyone thinks of changing the world but no one thinks of changing himself."

Initially, I touched on the influence of these virtues on the self; the results of introspection.  But navel gazing never got anyone anywhere.  However crucial it may be to begin change in the self, it is just as vital that those alterations exceed their first boundaries.  Recognizing failure with a willingness to change is not enough.  This kind of honest recognition in ourselves fosters the same in our view of people.  We often triumph at the recognition part, but fail in honesty.  As I said, we injure others constantly with calculated insults and cynical evaluations.  Their sins are apparent, but then so are ours.  Cynicism and judgment nourish pride.  Honesty and humility nurture love.  Sincere recognition of the self cultivates forbearance towards the lapses of others, for those lapses serve as a mirror.  Often when we find ourselves slighted by a friend, acquaintance, or even someone we have never met,  "Be the bigger person," is the common advice.  I will argue against that.  When misjudged or insulted, we should remind ourselves, "I am the same insignificant size as my oppressor."  Sin reveals our need for another righteousness, whether that be our sin or someone else's.  Sin levels the playing field of all peoples. Christ redeems that field.  Fyodor Dostoevsky said is best, "To love someone means to see him as God intended him." 

We often first see sin and failures, however scripture challenges us to see with the eyes of God.  When God gazes at His children, He is confronted with the righteousness of Christ.  When we gaze upon our brothers and sisters, we are to see the same.  When we gaze upon unbelievers, we are to be reminded of our condition apart from Christ's merits, and humbly love them as Christ adored us.

Honesty and brokenness are merits outside of my grasp. So I will pray; Lord change how I love, and change how I see.  I trust God will grant them both in His grace. 

Honesty and Brokenness: Part 1

I want to say I'm a woman who is willing to model honesty and brokenness--serious casualties to a social life. - Jennifer Uwarow

I will not presume that I know exactly what Jennifer had in mind when she wrote this.  However, since the day I first read it, it has been on my mind, heavy and convicting.  Everything about this statement screams rebellion to ideals conceived by a superficial and dying culture.  What the world perceives as thriving, is rotting in the eyes of God.  I often struggle with working out these two ideas in my life.  Brokenness is a never ending process, requiring an honest look at the self.  Admitting sin, and repenting from it.  Accepting weakness and relying on God in it.  Acknowledging our failures and trusting Christ's righteousness.  Knowledge of the true character of the Maker produces humility.  To be constantly humbled by that knowledge, results in brokenness.  Brokenness fashions obedience. 


Breaking and obeying.  This is the daily work of the Christ follower.  We trangress our Lord and others in thought and thoughtless deeds; in calculated insults and cynical evaluations.  We stumble daily and yet are lifted by hope in sanctification.  As Michelangelo meticulously cracked and chipped the stone to reveal David, so God chips and cracks our imperfections, to reveal Christ.  We are in a constant state of being redeemed by our Lord.  "For He wounds, but He also binds up; He shatters but His hands also heal," Job 5:18.  God crushes the sin in us, though painful.  He cuts away the cancer, no matter how established.  Constant death to the self is it's manifestation.  Emulating honesty and brokenness is a task.  So I will set out, unprepared, on this unknown path.  Traversing the mountains and valleys armed with the Spirit and grace.  If my savior bore a cross, so must I.  If my Lord required death to redeem the self in me, then I must die to that self, also. 

All along I thought 

I was learning how to take

How to bend not how to break

How to live not how to cry

But really 

I've been learning how to die

Learning How To Die | Jon froeman

Transition: Returning, Reforming & Re-embarking

I first started writing four years ago, when I first started college.  I created my Blogger and put my typing skills to the test.  I grew tired of Blogger, and had a short affair with Tumblr.  It proved to be inconvenient, less friendly, and a bit controlling.  Alas, I have returned to my old friend, and now will continue on in my new year's endeavor.  I only transferred a few of my previous posts, because this well-meaning project had rocky beginnings.  "It is the beginning of a work that the writer throws away," and the ability of the writer to throw it away is crucial.  So I will follow suit;

"...the earlier version remains lumpish on the left, the work's beginning greets the reader with the wrong hand." Annie Dillard

Another alteration is due.  I will not be writing to please anyone.  My initial trek was influenced by a desire to be appealing, entertaining, and readable.  But, as Dillard also said, "I cannot imagine a sorrier pursuit than struggling for years to write a book that attempts to appeal to people who do not read in the first place." Of course, this is no novel, but the wisdom applies all the same.


So I am left with this reality; I have not ventured a word in over a month.  I moved past the edge of failure, and leapt right off the cliff.  I allowed the day-to-day and misconceptions to cut in on my writing time and content.  My project being the injured victim.  So, here I am. Re-embarking.  My hope is that this will be the last time I start anew.  However, innumerable things can happen in a year, and I am not naive enough to think that some of those will not inhibit my writing.  Fortunately, obstacles can function as inspiration.  There is beauty in everything, that we choose not to see; even in the feeble conceptions of an injured writing project. 

"The reason not to prefect a work as it progresses is that, concomitantly, original work fashions a form the true shape of which it discovers only as it proceeds, so the early strokes are useless, however fine their sheen." 

Day 13: February 2nd

Day 5 was January 25th….Today is February 2nd… so that makes today’s post Day 13.

I missed 8 days of writing.  That is borderline flunking this project (if it isn’t flunking already..).

Over my 8 day absence, I have been reading, listening to sermons, watching people, and examining myself.  All these things have brought me to this conclusion: I have to live life committed to people.  Not committed in the ball-and-chain sense, or the keeping-promises way.  I mean committed in a constant outpouring way.  Because that is a lot harder, and nothing worth having is easy.  But having what?  Since when is giving, having? 

It is having love.

It is being more concerned with the lives and daily workings of others.  Psychologists even agree living selflessly is healthier.  They say when people hit their mid-life crisis, they either grow out or sink in.  Grow out into other people, and helping them.  Or sink into themselves, and rot. 

Why wait until I’m old, fat, and less capable?

There are hundreds of verses (literally) I could type out to show the biblical reason for selflessness.  They would all point you back to the Cross.  How one man died, bearing the guilt of many.  How He died for people who hated Him, and set them free. 

But I am going to conclude with a quote instead.  Not because I think it more important, or a better reason (there is nothing more true than scripture), but because it is short and beautiful, and reading it is what brought all these things (sermons, literature, observations, people, verses) together.

For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness, For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people, For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry, For Beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day, For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.
— Audrey Hepburn

Day 2: January 22nd

Well, I have 33 minutes left in Day 2 to write something profound….

29 minutes….

Alright, I’m throwing profound out the window.  When I initially imagined this blog, I had hoped it would be interesting.  Potentially inspiring. But here I am, two days in, and I am realizing that the day-to-day is less than inspiring, or interesting, it is mostly bland.

So, for now I will equate this blog to my 4th grade science project.  You know, the one where you plant seeds in little red Dixie cups and put them in the sunshine. Everyday rushing over to see if your plants had grown.  Remember how painful the first two weeks were? Nothing but dirt.  Brown, boring dirt. Then, finally , the tiny green sprout would push its way to the surface.  That is how I would like to think of this blog.  Interesting and inspiring are here, somewhere, they just haven’t made their way to the surface yet.  I am still in the first two painful weeks.  Still pushing through the dirt, to the sunshine.  After all, every flower (or in this case, a bean) has to go through a lot of dirt before it blooms. 

Until then, I’ll continue to shovel the dirt, and hope for tomorrow.  Maybe tomorrow will be just as boring… maybe it won’t be.

Day 1: January 21st

So here I go.  Day one of my 365 day adventure.  Maybe adventure is too thrilling of a word… Challenge? Yes, challenge is more like it.  Because that is really what this is, a year long challenge to myself, to commit to writing every day.  I am graduating from college in May, and since I was little I pictured my life after all the “responsibilities” of school; when I would be old enough to do what I pleased, when I pleased.  Unfortunately, responsibility only grows, education being the least of which.  Now I have bills and bosses.  The romantic ideals of travel and free time are a luxury not many people experience.  Myself included.  For most of us, it is just getting by, day to day. So I have decided that this year, I won’t put off my writing until I am sitting in a European cafe with endless time, coffee, a pastry, and a stack of novels as high as the empire state building (cliche, I know).  Instead, I am going to “bloom where I am planted”.  Which, currently, is in my bed withGlen Hansard & Markéta Irglová playing on my laptop, and a pile of independent study work next to me (that I should probably be doing instead of this).

So this is my 365 day challenge, because I can’t wait on life, I have to make the most of what it is, where I am.  I have to be all here, or I will miss it all.